Escaping the midlife trap
As the saying goes: if you’re stuck, move. It may take guts and negotiation, but it’s worth it.
At the age of 25, I transformed from a pretentious graduate student in vintage suits writing lofty articles criticising capitalism, into an investment banker in a serious suit taking the Tube every day into the heart of capitalism, the City of London.
An irresistible force had taken hold, as it does for many young men, turning my focus toward achievement and success.
By my late thirties, however, that force had diminished. I experienced tension between my career ambitions and desire to be a good father and husband. The irony was even though I did little but work, I doubted whether I’d achieved anything of worth. Yet I was too afraid of losing what I had to rock the boat. I remained stuck in what I call comfortable misery.
Now, years later, as a mentor I talk to men experiencing the same thing. Stuck in what society calls a midlife crisis, they’ve little sense of accomplishment despite some success, thinking it’s either not enough, or not what they expected. They still chase the old dream but aren’t sure why. Blaming others – partner, colleagues, boss – or themselves provides an explanation, but no action. They feel an inner longing for greater meaning and purpose but don't know where to find it.
It’s easy to despair, but this time of life offers a chance for transformation. Many of our favourite stories begin with the hero stuck in comfortable misery. There’s Neo at the start of The Matrix, bored in his job, getting shouted at by his boss. Or Moses in self-exile after escaping a murder charge, working for his father-in-law as a shepherd. Or Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit with nothing to do after breakfast but blow smoke rings into the air.
They are all:
■ Dissatisfied with life.
■ Certain it’s not their fault.
■ Hungry to be part of something bigger than themselves.
■ Too scared or lacking in imagination to disrupt the status quo.
Then something amazing happens to dislodge them from their inertia. Bilbo is visited by Gandalf the wizard and invited to join a quest. Neo is told he is the One to save humanity from the Matrix. Moses is visited by none other than God! Each begins a unique journey of adventure into an exciting, new life.
Comfortable misery is the sign the first half of our lives is coming to an end and something bigger and new is about to start, if we allow it. We can shake loose and begin our own journey to discover a new purpose for our lives.
Some might protest, “My life isn’t a fantasy movie.” But these stories mirror real life. Looking past our comfortable misery, there are new possibilities to explore. For me, and many others, it was taking redundancy and retraining. For others it’s a sideways or even downwards move to pursue new adventures. A few have had to readjust expectations with their families about provision.
Once we’ve hit bottom, the only way is up.
