Dads, let's listen to our daughters
And talk with our BOYS
My adult daughter has taught me a few times how important it is for fathers to listen and be willing to be wrong, no matter the discomfort and embarrassment.
Once we discussed the terrible case of a young woman allegedly raped by a colleague after a drunken night out with her team.
I think of myself as a woman’s advocate, having seen first-hand the impact of sexual violence inflicted by men on women and girls in Russia, Ukraine, Africa and India. I've also talked with hundreds of Australian men and boys about sex and how to treat women.
My daughter allowed me space to ‘think out loud’ as we say in our family. I said that maybe women should protect themselves by not trusting men and avoiding the grog on such occasions.
As soon as I said it, I knew i’d got it wrong.
"Dad," she began. "Most people will drink too much with their work mates at least once. No one plans on being sexually assaulted by a colleague. If that was me, you wouldn’t say, 'It's your fault, you drank too much.' You'd say sexual assault is wrong! Period!'
Of course she was correct.
‘That woman thought she'd be safe.' she continued. 'Men have to address this because it's your problem. You need to look out for your colleagues, especially vulnerable ones. And not just women. Challenge your workplace culture. Don’t assume it’s safe. Be proactive. Ask tough questions.’
I’ve been a lightweight in this regard. As a uni student I did nothing about men at parties targeting women who'd drunk too much. These days I hear men say horrible things about women but sometimes don't challenge it.
This ins’t about political correctness, it’s caring for people. I've got to toughen up. As my daughter said, ‘We’re counting on you to be an advocate and ally.’
Her long term cure is for fathers and older men to talk to young guys and boys about women. That can be a difficult topic. Some are told unhelpfully their masculinity is toxic. Others hear from the hustlers in the 'manosphere' that being toxic is OK!
Listening well, we can provide space for them to work their way through the confusion and land on healthy masculinity. We can demonstrate what good looks like through our attitudes, actions and words.
What does caring for people look like for you?
Sorted Magazine. May/Jun 2021