The Crying Game
Being number one is all well and good, but when the boredom factor kicks in – and it will – you had better watch out. For top dog status is certainly not what it’s cracked up to be.
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I’ve got a wonderful client who's just like a chess master before a tournament: he’s always looking ahead to several moves and devising evasive action plans before danger can strike.
New ideas for his business pour out by the dozen. And such are his talents that he dominates the board and has already won the game before it starts. But he has a big problem: he’s bored.
Everything feels flat and dull. He experiences little satisfaction, and that puzzles him. What’s worse is the enterprise would fall over if he stopped investing so much energy into it.
“How do I get out of this?” he asked me recently. “I feel trapped.”
In truth, I’ve heard many men (myself included) say the same thing.
This is what happens: we decide early on which ‘game’ we’re going to play, whether it’s creating a business, joining a profession, getting involved with a not-for-profit, or working our way up an organization. And then we try to master it.
We think about the ‘game’ constantly, having endless discussions in the pub with our colleagues; worrying in the middle of the night; and boring our partners over dinner. We gnash our teeth at the politics. We scheme and plot to gain an advantage. And a select few learn how to win consistently.
But there comes a time when we, too, get bored – even when we’re winning – because being number one is never enough. And that’s when we try to find a new game.
This poses an immediate difficulty. For when the novelty wears off, the new game will be just as dissatisfying as the old one because the underlying motivation hasn’t altered: it’s still about proving we’re good enough! How exhausting to maintain such a pretence.
What is needed is a completely different hunger and application.
My client is now in the right place to do this. He knows he can’t just jump into another ‘game’ because it will turn out the same. He’s got to look inside and work out his purpose; the unique contribution he wants to make to the world. That’s got nothing to do with making it or proving he’s good enough. It’s about fulfilling a deep longing in his soul.
At a practical level, it means investing time in whatever is emerging. It may take much iteration along a meandering path for a new purpose to take shape. But gradually, everything will become clearer.
The only way I’ve ever found to do this is with a mentor, friend or colleague who believes in us, will challenge us with good questions, and help keep us moving. We cannot do it alone.
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Originally published at Sorted Magazine - Sep/Oct 2021