Listen and learn
What stops us from listening? If we value our relationships it's worth finding out.
I have a challenge for you: ask a loved one or someone you work with to rate how well you listen. Do it. You might be surprised by what they say.
Just yesterday my wife got very frustrated with me for not listening to her. And a few months ago I got an angry call from the leader of an organisation I belong to about an email I’d circulated. He said it was cynical and undermined him. In my mind, I’m not like that, so I went straight into defensive mode. We argued back and forth, going nowhere. Finally, he said: “Miles, you’re not listening!”
Both of these incidents rock my self-image as the supposed expert telling everyone else the importance of listening. I had to ask them to start again so I ‘could listen’.
Listening didn’t mean agreeing with them, just temporarily putting aside what I call my listening filters – all my reactions, opinions and judgements that were distorting the messages.
This filter mechanism is hard-wired into our brains, selecting and interpreting information faster than we can think from all the data coming at us. For our own survival, our filters are negatively biased about what we don’t know, protecting us from the sabre-toothed tiger that might be outside the cave. But sometimes they’re wrong, warning us about people who aren’t a threat at all.
Simply knowing these filters and barriers are there helps us put them to one side. Parking my defensiveness helped me listen to my wife. The friction dissipated immediately. We sorted the issue out quickly.
Listening properly to my colleague, I could hear how hurt he'd felt by my email. Reading it aloud, I acknowledged dismissing some suggestions he’d made and blaming him for the decision to cancel a programme, which in fact had been taken by his predecessor well before he’d been appointed leader.
I asked if he had anything else to say. There was nothing. He went quiet and then thanked me for listening! Humbled, I apologised, which he graciously accepted. This was amazing considering his anger from a few moments earlier.
Then he asked why I was feeling cynical. Now he was going to listen to me. As I started talking I realised I was still frustrated and felt I couldn't trust the organisation. That was my filter for all his communication! Nothing he said could get through, no matter how positive and well intentioned. I felt embarrassed, but the truth sets you free.
Then he started sharing his plans for the organisation, which I heard with enthusiasm, as if for the first time. Suddenly, I felt our relationship was restored.
So, think about a conversation that hasn’t gone well this week. Were you listening to what they were really saying or reinforcing a negative point of view you have? Can you put it to one side and hear what they’re really saying?